HIV Chairman's Conference

 Last week I had been mentioning that I was preparing my HIV presentation for work...well it is called "Chairman's Conference." It is a thirty minute presentation that is given in front the entire department of pediatrics (well who ever shows up), including residents, rotating medical students, and faculty.  It is a big deal, or at least it feels like one.  You choose an interesting patient/case, present said case, and then do a teaching portion on the case. 

I wanted mine to be good.... I always do, but this is my last one.  I decided that not only did  I want it to be good, but I wanted to make a difference....to teach and educate, but also to bust up some myths.  I decided to present Chernet and his HIV as my case, despite the risk of everyone around me knowing and possibly judging and questioning (an issue I am working on)...

I was my usual, sarcastic self, though simultaneously professional.  I received good feedback so far.  I had several people ask me to share the presentation on here.... I am not technologically advanced enough to know how to upload the entire presentation...all 88 slides of it.  So, the Natalie version: take screen shots with my iPhone, email them to myself, upload to blog.  Here ya go....

The anonymous poll that opened the presentation.  Audience members had "iclickers" were you can enter an answer.  There was a mix between A and C, though I thought, even in medicine, it would be predominantly "C".

Between the previous slide and this one, I presented Chernet's medical numbers and labs... the case and then summarized it with the slide below....

For my "teaching" portion of the talk, I wanted a different approach...one to keep everyone interested and out of their phones without being boring and harping on medicine but rather giving the social and everyday side of HIV.  Erin, my friend/mentor/boss (though I prefer the first and second titles), came through for me... she recommended presenting it from both the parent perspective and the pediatrician perspective, each of which I am qualified to speak about.  She suggested doing it with the top 5 questions that parents would have and the same for pediatricians.  Though I would not say it to her face, she was right.  I believe this aspect of the presentation is what made it most successful and overall, very relateable.  Below are the questions from parents. 

 
Per JT's request, I led this section with "Unless your play dates involve, sexual contact, needle sharing or vaginal deliveries, your kids shouldn't get HIV" and received quite a few laughs.  I spent time on each area, but mostly regarding perinatal (mother-child transmission).  Then I proceeded with how you DO NOT get HIV...I included pictures of my boys sweating together, swimming together, sharing straws, and with their friends.  The pictures were a hit as well.

 

These were the questions I used to present issues for pediatricians.  This was geared toward the private pediatrician but I addressed inpatient and outpatient medicine as well as transitioning children to adulthood. 

 

 
Changing the stigma...I thought this was important to know and hear.  It was shocking to many and I think eye opening to some!

 

 

 

And, of course, I had to thank the important people.  Dr. Marshall is one of Chernet's infectious disease doctors and the ID attending who reviewed the talk.  Erin Owen, as I mentioned earlier, helped with structure and overall presentation and reviewed it more times than she had time to...Christa (and Danielle) are the chief residents... Erica and Heather are two my very best friends and both reviewed the presentation and kept me from melting down the day of... Most importantly, all of these people love my boys.  Yes, even the people with "DR" before their names.  An infectious disease doc, a critical care attending and residents alike love them..I thank them more for that than helping with a presentation...

 

Like I said, overall I feel that it went well.  If you have more questions or would like to see the full presentation, feel free to email me!

First World Fails....and Fantastics

Jen Hatmaker writes great blogs that I enjoy reading.  The previous two blogs were heavy topics, but were followed this week by a post entitled Not a Fan.... where she highlights several First World things of which she is "not a fan"....hilarious!  (First World: things here in America and the Western world that seem important but in the big picture...AKA: everywhere else....don't matter). 

I did not want to steal her title or completely her idea but I thought I could throw together my own version.  I am a bit witty.  Oh wait, that is cynicism and sarcasm.  I think it is funny.  So here you go, the me version....4 things of which will deem FAILS and 4 which I will call FANTASTIC.  (knowing that these are still "first world" and matter nothing to my existence but sometimes make existing easier...I know this because I have been elsewhere...No judging here)  There is no Mother Teresa, who I adore, here but more like

So here you go......

Fantastics:
1) YouTube.... Fantastic
Yes, I will concede that there are weirdos out there that post things.  Yet on YouTube, you can watch music videos, post videos for family to watch, see movie trailers and clips, view part of TV shows and of course watch other peoples' ridiculousness.  Yes, YouTube, you are indeed a First World positive.

2)  Diet Coke.... Fantastic
I would like to state that I am not overtly addicted to caffeine (JT may disagree).  However, I thoroughly enjoy the carbonation.  I find nothing better than a carbonated, caffeinated, cold diet coke.  This is a win at any time of the day.  Thank you, Coca Cola.  I appreciate you.

3)  iPhone apps.... Fantastic
My favorites that definitely make my life better..... Pandora, Lexicomp (pharmacy), Sleepmaker (I am like Pavlov's dog when I turn this on), Amharic translator (yeah, I think I just tell myself this), Weather Channel, DisneyStore, DisneyJunior FREE, RedBox, Instagram.... Love these and I am sure I could more that I would love.  These do make our First World lives easier. I appreciate them.

4) Cards.... Fantastic
I had to toss this one in here.  I love them, all brands, especially the unique boutique-y ones....especially the ones with quotes....and ones that flirt with the line of being overly inappropriate.  I love getting them.  Even more, I love getting them.  They say "I was thinking about...when I bought it, when I wrote in it...and when I gave it to you..."  Much more than an email, a text.... I love these.  Enough said.


Fails:
(oh, don't go and get offended.  these are fun)
1) Stick people decals on the backs of cars..... FAIL
I am sorry if you have them.  Well, no I am not.  They just really annoying me.  We even designed ones on a night shift, jokingly, for the variety of family combinations we see at the hospital.  They don't see these in stores.  And where do you buy these?  I don't just run into them in everyday shopping outings at Kroger, Wal-Mart, or Target.  It must take work to find them.  And yet, they are everywhere.  I mean, seriously? 
 
2) TLC's shows about the worst part of America.... FAIL
Toddlers and Tiara, Honey Boo Boo, Hoarders, Sister Wives, I Didn't Know I was Pregnant, etc....
Train wrecks that once you start watching you feeling coerced into continuing.  You become a little less intelligent with each passing scene and you wonder if these people are actually real...We have failed ourselves yet we can not turn away

3)  Handling Raw Chicken.....  FAIL
I can sew people and cut them open and put needles in them and tubes and lines...put having to handle raw chicken makes me a bit nauseous.  I do it...I mean I make pretty good panko fried chicken so I do it. I HATE IT.... I will even pay extra $ for the trimmed chicken. Then, if you freeze it, those white linings on the bottom of the paper are stuck to it.  You are hosed trying to get that off.  JT enjoys watching this....or rather watching me be frustrated with it.  Yes, maybe it is not the chicken that fails but rather Natalie.

4)  Wire Hangers..... FAIL
I see all these people posting on facebook asking for wire hangers for kiddie consignment sales.  Nothing will make lose my religion quicker than when several wire hanger get stuck together.  And those damn beloved dry cleaner continue to perpetuate this problem.  Oh man, I can not stand these.  Then, try stepping on one at a weird angle.  Yep, these are epic fails in my humble opinion. 


*I left out car pool line numbered decals... I can not even get started on this.
Okay, I realize I am not nearly as funny as Jen Hatmaker but these are definitely a change in pace and thought.

Blue Smile & Jesus

As the title implies, this will be a random post, and quick one at that.  Today was a blue smile day....I opened Chernet's backpack today searching for the behavior color of the day.  It is kind of like America's terror alert system. Blue is better than yellow, orange or red....We have been living in the Lincoln Performing Arts School verson of the NO FLY ZONE...yellow was our previous goal... SOOO blue is beautiful in this house.  Before I could even get to the folder, he was saying

"Sa-my-ell" in a thick Ethiopian accent.  I quickly realized he was trying to say "smile." Well as you can see below, there was a blue smile in Chernet's behavior calendar.  You can see the orange creeping in from yesterday.  While we have so many little things to work on, we CELEBRATE the little blue smiley face.  (check out my initials above with accompanied smile of own.)  I may have said that ice cream will be in order if there are two blue days in a row....wonder if he understood that English....?  He is my son so I think so.

 

 

 

Here is where Jesus comes to play.... My friend and her daughters were over today after school...the best kind of visit...spontaneous, impromptu.  The kids played and we ate dinner and such.  Her younger daughter, Evie, found the boys sparse craft stuff (you know how I feel about crafting) which consisted of crayons and construction paper.  A few minutes later, this was posted to our fridge. 

 

 

If you can't see it, there is a boy and a girl labeled Tedy and Evie.  I am not sure if they are holding hands but they are clearly friends.  And really isn't that what Jesus was all about.  Just loving each other....regardless of anything else.  There was no black, white, rich, poor, healthy, sick, Protestant, Catholic, Republican, Democrat... he really just loved people.  I know some of you will argue that it is more complicated than that.... Maybe it is, but I think if we really sought to love each other without pretense and essentially like children do, our world, our jobs, our homes, our relationships in general would look a lot different.

 

Okay, enough of my two cents tonight.  Off to give a mock presentation to my sleeping men, yes they are all sleeping now.  I won't apologize for talking about it.  It will be over tomorrow and you will not have to hear about it any longer.  Don't worry.  I will find something else to ramble about.

 



Says so much...

This picture, taken on Saturday, says so much about the boys' personalities. 

Brownies and Pictures

Because today was not a great day, I am reminding myself of the funny stuff that has happened, like these pictures taken yesterday.  Because it was not a great week, I took other people brownies  while they worked on a holiday.  Don't get me wrong.  I occasionally loathe in self pity (though I TRY not to) but I figure it is easier to make other people happy...by making them brownies and drinking diet coke together.  Or watching Chernet pop and lock like Chris Brown or Usher.  The little things, the special people, the ones make the little struggles a bit more bearable.  So I am thankful, even when some days are frustrating, for the people who make life better, lovelier, and at least will watch funny YouTube videos with you.  For husbands who do laundry and pre-pack lunches and bake muffins for the next day's breakfast.  And for kids, who despite the vast amount of time spent in time out, give raspberry kisses and dance like Usher and call me mommy.  This makes it worth it... And who really does not like brownies?!?!?!  Speaking of, watching Chernet's face as I watched him lick the bowl the first time was PRICELESS.

The outfits they put on when they woke up.

When we told him to get dressed for bed....

....and five minutes later

HIV & Our Everyday

I have been waiting for this post for awhile.  I wanted to really speak truthfully and experiential about it when I finally wrote it..... When we agreed to HIV+ adoption, we did not know what Chernet's health would be. He could have been very ill....had TB in the past....had other opportunistic or AIDS-defining illnesses....had a very low CD4 count or high viral load..... or all of the above.  Regardless, we were said "okay."  We said yes. 

Chernet got off the plane around 1:00 am on Monday, July 23.  At three o'clock in the afternoon this neurotic pediatrician mom had us at the Infectious Disease clinic for blood work (after filing for insurance of course).  He was is skinny and I was quite worried about his health.  He hopped his tiny tail up in the chair and did little more than smile as they drew about 11 vials of blood from his little arm.  They drew CD4 (immune system cell that HIV attacks), viral load (amount of HIV in his blood), electrolytes, CBC, and nutritional labs. 

Chernet was taking one and half tabs in the morning and one tab at night of Triomune Junior, a drug I later learned that is not available in the US but used in resource-limited countries.  He was also taking Bactrim, as are all HIV+ kids in Ethiopia, because CD4 counts are not regularly checked.  That first day we gave him the pill.  He easily swallowed it with a sip of water better than most teens I see at the hospital. 

We got his labs back.... his CD4 was great, in the 1500s.  His viral load was UNDETECTABLE.  His labs were otherwise unremarkable.  (the bad mom in me still hasn't sent the stool studies....tomorrow's goal).  We were all so shocked...even the ID doctors.  They had us repeat his basic test to prove he was even HIV+... he was, but shockingly well controlled.

We had a decision to make.... once he runs out of his supply of meds from Ethiopia, which have him so well controlled, do we stay on the same three meds that make up his one pill or do we switched to a more common regimen here in the US.  The medicines that make up his combination may have unfavorable side effects but switching regimens could make his CD4 drop as well other potential side effects.....

So after conversations with the ID docs, we decided to stay on the same regimen.  Once his pills run out, he will take one and half pills in the morning and at night plus 15 mLs both times. 

EVERYDAY LIFE WITH HIV (at least around here):

We really do not notice it.  That is not a minimalization of it.  Chernet takes his medicines.... and honestly, Tedi is the best reminder. 

"Uh, mommy, it is time for my vitamin and Chernet's medicine."  Thanks dear.  I realize I am a sub-par parent at times.

Tedi was a bit jealous at first, hence the implementation on the twice daily vitamins.  My parents have kept the boys without issues.  There may be some more pains when we add another liquid to it...

The only time we notice it is when someone asks about it.... normally the big questions are concerns about bleeding...that makes most people nervous... what happens if he bleeds around them?  Well, we clean it up.  That is it.  Seriously, I promise you can really get it from only from sex, needles and pregnancy....  and we are not doing that at dinner parties... Well, at least not at our house.  :-)

I will post updates about this occasionally but otherwise there is not always a ton to tell.  If you have questions, please send us an email!  We would love to answer questions.  I am giving my presentation this Thursday on HIV....fingers crossed.

All of Me



A lump welled in my throat as my iPhone lit up with a new message.  I just plopped down onto a hospital waiting area couch dressed uncomfortably in a suit, fresh from my second pediatric critical care fellowship interview. It had been a tough week with family and the boys..... Despite this, initially, I was on a high.  For one for the first times in my career, I felt that I could talk about something intelligently and feel a little bit smart.  Then, in an unfamiliar lobby in an unfamiliar city, I sat voice quivering fighting back the nagging pressure of tears trying to make my mascara run.  I had a voicemail from Chernet's school counselor....that is never who you want calling.  Then, I got a hold of JT.  Chernet had troubles in school on Monday and on Wednesday....troubles with personal boundaries and social behaviors (I am going to leave it at that for now.)  However, Thursday was the worst incident. 

 

As JT re-told the incident, spoke reassuring words to me, explained the plan of the school (who has been remarkably great with us), I fought tears and a breaking heart.....I was breaking, not for myself, but this smiling little boy.... a boy whose previous life we do not know the details of....if these behaviors are cultural, attention seeking or a result of experiences we do not want him to have had.  I knew I may be blowing it out of proportion.  JT, my wonderful husband, had calmly handled all of it.  He was reasonable when I was not....(not always the case).  Even as I let the tears come out as I called my friend and she again reassured me and loved on me with her words, I felt sad.  Could it be normal behavior?  Sure, maybe.  JT called back and reminded me, "nat, parenting is tough.  parenting an adopted child is tough in a different way.  There are past hurts and experiences we can not change.  we are called to this and therefore must love Chernet through this. We have to love him regardless."  Truer words have not been spoken. 

 

I found myself on Friday afternoon sitting in the O'Hare F terminal, the one for the small local planes without real jetways, trying to drown out the sounds of the air unit and airplane engines.  I put in my ear phones, with only the right ear working well.  My Pandora mix of Wilson Phillips, Katy Perry, Sister Hazel, old school Mariah, Zac Brown, Bruno Mars, and OneRepublic was more than the O'Hare 3G could handle so I was flipped on my iTunes.  I missed the first song as I rambled through a couple of interview thank you notes.  Then, Matt Hammitt started singing in my right ear.  I restarted the song and began focusing on the words.

 

I first heard this song when JT's cousins, Richie and Brooke, lost their 7 day old son, Eli, in our very own ICU here in Louisville.  This song was played at Eli's funeral.  Upon further reading, the song was written by the leader singer of Sanctus Real,  Matt Hammitt, after his son, Bowen, was diagnosed with hypoplastic left heart syndrome.  The song is completely fitting for the illness and journey these families go through.  While my journey is not like that of parents who deal with HLHS, the words of this song really made me stop and think... Chernet (as well as Tedi) is worth all of my love, all of my tears....even if I can not go back and change his past....I can just love him the rest of his future.  I realize this issue may seem minimal because I am not talking a lot about specifics.... but adoption can be messy and we are called to just keep pushing through and loving...This song helped me realize....JT was right. There you go, I admitted it (only once). We must love.  Continue to love, no matter what. 

 



Afraid to love
Something that could break
Could I move on
If you were torn away?
And I'm so close to what I can't control
I can't give you half my heart
And pray He makes you whole
You're gonna have all of me
You're gonna have all of me
'Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me is where I'll start
I won't let sadness steal you from my arms
I won't let pain keep you from my heart
I'll trade the fear of all that I could lose
For every moment I share with you

Heaven brought you to this moment, it's too wonderful to speak
You're worth all of me, you're worth all of me
So let me recklessly love you, even if I bleed
You're worth all of me, you're worth all of me

It's where I'll start   

 

Party Time

On Sunday, my gracious mother in law (Sharon) hosted a "welcome home party" for Chernet.  We had a pool party, as you can see from the invitation below, at my in-laws neighborhood pool.  What a great day it was.  Sharon prepared tons of food and invited our family and a few close friends...

We are so blessed to have people in our lives how love us and our boys so much.  Enjoy a few pictures.  There aren't many because I would NEVER take pictures of people in swimsuits.  Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.... still applicable as an adult.

9 Stations

This past Thursday and Friday our church did 24 hours of prayer.  I first thought it would be sitting quietly and praying.  Let me be quite honest. I could not do that.  I have quite good focus but that is not my idea of easy.  Yes, I am weak.  I admit it.  Thus, when JT told me that I should go since he is an elder at church and I am his wife and I needed to be open to new situations.  He was right.  That did not mean I liked what he had to say.  But I love him, so I went. 

It was totally different than what I expected.  We did not sit in a circle and hold hands.  There was no candle lighting or hugging. Thankfully for me, it was all independent...no group projects or talking. There were nine stations.....each one designed for reflection and prayer.  Whether you are religious or spiritual or like me and just trying love people like Jesus did and not screw up or none of it, several of these "activities", for lack of a better term, were quite helpful for reflection and growth.  I will admit my husband was right.  Yes, I said it.  He was right.  I wanted to give you a couple of highlights.  I have paraphrased the actual activities and shortened them...Sorry Ben, if you read this.  I also wanted to challenge you to sit down and try one or a couple of these....to stop and think about life....both your own, those that you affect, and otherwise. 

Station 5: Choose a country on the map and place a small stick-it.  Choose one that hasn't already been chosen. Pray for that country, it's leaders, government, people that live there, orphans in that country.

My first choice, Ethiopia, had been chosen.  I sat for a minute thinking about all the countries...and then it hit me....the tiny sliver of Togo, Africa is where my friend Kelly is living.  She was a resident with me during my intern year and has gone to Togo to serve as a doctor.  She recently helped me with my HIV PowerPoint as this is something she is seeing regularly in West Africa. 

Challenge: What country are you going to pray for this week?  It does not have to be third world....I am pretty sure America could use it.  If you pick one, leave a comment!

Station 7: Look at the verses and quotes already written on the wall.  Which one speaks to you? Now, choose a couple new ones and write those on the papers to encourage others. 

I chose the following to write on the wall as the ones "speaking" to me...for so many reasons:
"So let's not get tired of doing what is good.  At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessings if we do not give up." Galatians 6:9

"Friendship is unnecessary like philosophy, like art.  It has no survival value but gives value to survival."  CS Lewis  (from my last post)

"I believe in Christianity as I believe the sun as risen, not only because I see it, but because by it I see." CS Lewis

Challenge:  What verses or quotes are encouraging to you right now? Write them somewhere, share them with someone else, leave a comment here with them.

Station 2: Read these verses: Matthew 6:25-29  “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?    Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?  “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these."
Write down your worries on the postcards provided.  Pray for the perspective of the verses and try to realize our worries our temporary.

I sat there worried I would use all of the Post-It index cards.  Seriously.  Were there any left?  I am not sure.  I started listing and kept going (most of these are verbatim).... Marriage (am I good enough, attractive enough, domestic enough), finances (will we ever pay my student loans, will we ever buy a house, are we saving enough), Body image (I am not pretty, I am too fat, Does anyone see past me being overweight), Chernet's HIV (Will people not be our friends because of his HIV, Will we have children? Will he marry someone?  Will he stay healthy?), Tedi (Will he grow into a good man? Does he know how much we love him? Are we loving him the right away?), Chernet (Is he happy? Am I parenting him as he needs? Will he attach to us?) , Job (Will I interview well?  Where will I match? Do they really want me here?  What if I screw it up?), Residency (Will I pass my boards next year? Am I doing a good job? Am I one of the best? What could I do better?), Friends (Am I giving enough? Am I a good friend? Do my friends know how much I care?), Family (Will I ever conceive? What will our family look like in five years?  Can I be a good mom and do the job I want? Are my parents and sister okay?)

Now you see why I ran out of index cards.  I worry a bit.  And I tried am trying to give it up all up and realize it gets me no where.... I am a work in progress..

Challenge:  Jot down your worries.  Pray over them... ask a friend to do so.. Then pitch them. 

Station 6: Take a sheet of paper and right down the titles you have in your life (wife, mother, sister, daughter, co-worker, committee member)  Next to the words, pray about and then write down examples of how you can be a blessing to others in that area of your life.

A Couple of Mine (I won't include all of them because some of them are personal for the other people involved in mine):
Wife:  Plan a monthly date with JT.  Make an effort to domestic things I hate...laundry and such
Mommy:  Spend one date day with each boy each month.  Special rewards for good school behavior.  More praise.
Parent of Kindergartens: send a note to the teachers in the boys's folders each week thanking them for their work
Mentee at work: thank those attendings that give their time to support and help me
Adoption Advocate: spend time with new families and be open and honest about the struggles
Friend: named specific friends I could do things for and bless

Challenge:  List your titles and how you can bless people in each role.  Let me know if I can do anything for you specifically.....or am not doing something I should be...


So that is a sampling of the 9 stations.... nine exercises.  I hope someone gets something out of this...that someone will find it as helpful as me....as I continue to try improving.... and yes, I will say it again, JT was right.... I benefitted from going.

Because I love you.....

Think about the things you do for someone you love.... Not the LOVE in high school "if you LOVE me you will make out with me." or Or that Celine Dion song "Because you loved me" (which I will admit to listening to as I write this... and it actually does fit in this context but is exceedingly sappy and emotional).... or "OMG, you are totally the greatest for getting me a double shot vente nonfat no whip latte. I just LOVE you."  But like real love.  Love that sacrifices.  "Greater love hath no man than this; that he lay down his life for his friends" John 15:13 .... Fall on your proverbial sword kind of love.

When stating it that way, it seems that these would have to be grand acts....great valor, extreme measures... I mean, sometimes they are.  But the way I see it, the more poignant examples are the ones we do each day....repeated small examples of sacrifice day in and day out.... the little things...real life.

“We can do no great things; only small things with great love.” ~Mother Teresa

 

The first segment below are the things I do daily, mainly written to make you laugh, things that I do when I really would rather do other things or just be lazy.... things that remind me to keep doing more....things that make me grow as a person and make me grateful for the people I have been given that I can give love to.... And also there are things that others, random special people in my life (husband, family, friends, my kids), do for me....Start each of the sentences below with:

 

Because I love you.....

 

....I do crafts for your school projects so you won't be "that kid" and I DO NOT CRAFT.

....I do not kill you when you turn on my pager during vacation just to hear it beep (totally joking)

....I give cards even when it makes me vulnerable and self conscious

....I wake up early to get ready so that you have a freshly made lunch

....I take pictures when I think you would like something so I can show you later

....I take more patients on call

....I go to large social gatherings when I would rather wear sweats and drink Diet Coke

....I pray out loud in public though it makes me infinitely uncomfortable (you are welcome, JT)

....I leave you cards when you clean my call room

....I am sarcastic with you... that is my love language

....I was on the nightly news with you despite my disapproval

....I let you get the bathroom water-soaked

....I make blue scrambled eggs and red pancakes in silly shapes

....I wear a bathing suit in public, I go to the zoo, to Chuck E Cheese, to Mr. Gatti's (or is it Gattitown or Gattiland now... I don't know)
....I am nervous all the time because I do not want you to be my friends' patient at work

....I spend my salary on Beyblades, Bakugan, and Ben 10

....I read Llama Llama instead of the new Emily Giffin book

....I watch LeapFrog and Despicable Me and Toy Stoy 2 (for the 1873rd time) instead of Bravo, HGTV, Hitch, or Couple's Retreat

....I look at your text pictures of rashes, cuts, medical questions...

....I clean up your pee.  That should be enough.

 

Because I am loved.....

 

....you hang up the cards I get you in your office

....you let me buy more cards and stationary

....you pick up my son's stool culture kit at the pediatrician

....you allow me to leave my clean laundry in the floor for a week

....you make me fruit dip, without the fruit

....you call me just because

....you stay at the airport until 2am to welcome home our son

....you drive me for yogurt/ice cream/anything sweet even when you don't get anything because you know I love it

....you acknowledge ridiculous text even when I am being unreasonable

....you tell me I am worth it

....you love my children

....you let me have a date weekend with my husband, for free

....you sleep on your left side so I am more comfortable

....you put cards in my white coat

....you remind me that you are normally right, but I am still okay

....you let me listen to Christmas music, in October and buy pumpkin yogurt in April

....you set up times to go to the gym even though you know we will never go

....you kiss my child who has HIV to prove to me you love him because you love me

....you listen to angry chick music and the Rent soundtrack...because I want to

....you leave coffee for me post call because you know I can not sleep when I go home

....you let me get to the edge of breaking down and then help me back up

....you tell me to Shut Up because you know I will get a job even when I think I won't

....you call me mommy.  And that is really more than my heart can really hold most days.

 

I know these may seem silly, but they are real.  I mean, seriously.  Why do we love the people in our lives.....because they show up...they invest in us daily and continue to show back up.  And if they don't annoy us or vice versa and love us despite ourselves, they make our life better.  They make life worth living....they being our spouses, our friends, our kids, our families.  So I hoped you laughed but I also hope you stopped and thought about those you love and that add to your life.  and then thank them.

 

“Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art.... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival.” ~CS Lewis

For the record, I cried.

I cried this morning.  Not as Tedi kissed our cheeks (and gave us raspberry kisses), told us he was going to learn Chinese, excitedly jumped out of the car and ran into school.  Not as I watched Chernet have a stage 4 meltdown in the back of the car after Tedi jumped out.  Not as we hugged a now happy Chernet goodbye and left Lincoln.  I even SMILED as I walked into our silent condo with a tall Cafe Miele from Sunergos thinking about shopping for an interview shirt and new book and lunch with Heather.  I thought I would happily sit down and post the typical "First Day of Kindergarten" pics to the blog and facebook and head on out to Heather's. 

Then I sat down and loaded the pictures from the camera.  The first picture was this one of Tedi:

It did not help I was listening to "A Thousand Years" by Christina Perri.  I stared at this picture as tears stream streamed down my cheeks.  Not a messy, chest heaving, my heart hurts cry but one that pours out of you with both gratitude and love.  Tears I rarely achieve.  This face, this boy has taught me so much and made me want to the best version of myself.  He has shown SOOO many people how to love people of all colors, of all backgrounds with complete disregard for what they previously thought.  I am convinced that because of him, many children have been adopted.  Many churches have started thinking about orphans because of him.  This kid, this big KINDERGARTEN-er, he just loves life and everyone and because of that, everyone is changed because of him.  I doubt we would have had the faith to adopt a second son with HIV had it not been for the love of this boy.  He is no longer an orphan...he is MY SON.  And seeing him so big is about more than my heart can handle.  I do not know what he looked like at 6 months (though I wish I did) or as a small toddler...but I do know this, I am excited to watch this 5 year old become a man a change the hearts of many more people....

Now look at these.... do you see why I am crying cried.  This scared little boy is growing and changing and it looks good on him...

First Day of Pre-School

First Day of Pre-K

I am a lucky mom... like so many others.  Seeing my son grow is tough...yet so rewarding.  I am just blessed to be a mom to these boys...to be able to confuse teachers with how my son can be "ESL" but I speak English (that was fun today).  I am blessed to have a husband walk my children in with me because I saw so many moms doing it alone.   

So yes, I cried.  Tedi did it!  Blame him!  Here are a couple more from the typical

First Day of Kindergarten (x2)




Blurry because the kid CAN'T stand still

HIV PowerPoint

Despite everything I know that I have "going for me" (the term your mom would say when someone hurt your feelings... "honey, you have so much going for you. You don't need him as your boyfriend/friend.), I often live with a sense of not wanting to screw up.  Yeah, I probably need some kind of counseling, oh well.  However, I just want to do everything without flaws (though if you saw my car or closet you may disagree.  JT disagrees when he sees these things). 

As I have worked to prepare a flawless, 88 slide PowerPoint presentation on HIV as it relates parents and pediatricians alike that I will present to all of the pediatric faculty and residents and medical students, I started becoming self conscious.  I started feeling like although we are openly advocating for HIV+ children it is difficult when you stand up in front of your friends, your colleagues, your current bosses, and hopefully future bosses and discuss your child's health.  While it is fine on here and adoption circles, it is not easy putting yourself out there....risk losing friends and being judged.

Then I got to thinking....I was not called to live this easy, comfortable life.  I was called to lay it all out there.  I was called to love children, both in my job and my home, even the ones difficult to love, that we risk losing (at work), and ones that others may look over (at home).  And guess what?  Sometimes its SUCKS.  Yep.

I don't want Chernet to have to think about whether he can have babies someday or if someone won't hug him back because of his HIV or won't be his friend/our friend.  I have said before that those friends are not worth it....but let's be honest, it hurts.  It stings my heart as a mom because he does have to think about all of these things.  As I prepared my presentation, I had to reflect on these things and it was not the easiest thing to revisit (because I have thought about this all before....before our HIV decision, during, and now) and think about from his little perspective.

I get it.  Everyone walks through life with issues they must deal with and overcome, just like he will.  It is just frustrating that he will do so because of choices not made by him because of a disease he did not ask for....like all childhood issues. 

So, in trying to prepare a "flawless" presentation, I am left even more reflective and unsure of what is to come and the strength I don't have alone to face what will come in this journey.  What I do know is that this flawed girl will do the best she can to love her boy, teach others that is okay to love him, and try to "change the world for one"?

Storypeople Parenting....

I have often used quotes from storypeople.com on here.  I love their quotes and gifts and I just "get it" or maybe they get me (since they clearly know me personally).  Anyhow, their quotes on love and friendship are so true but I have become even a bigger fan since parusing the parenting ones.... Enjoy the quotes with real life examples :-)

You think he's scary now? she said. Just wait till he finishes off all the chocolate.

If you kill your brother, she said, you're going to get a huge timeout.

After Chernet popped Tedi in the neck with a Beyblade

There are lives I can imagine without children but none of them have the same laughter

this is a special balancing trick that requires a small child to stay completely still (so it's still only theoretical)

someone asked them to be quiet, so it's just a matter of time before all hell breaks loose.

Everything changed the day I figured out there was exactly enough time for the important things in my life.

Sometimes I can't wait to leave, but not when my boys are wishing I could stay

I always wanted to invent something that would move around; make funny noises,  would change the world as we know it; I forgot all about that until we had kids; now I see I came pretty close.

Thanks, Mom.

I sometimes wake in the early morning; listen to the soft breathing of my children; I think to myself, this is one thing I will never regret; I carry that quiet with me all day long.

4 Weeks....

JT and I laughed today.... we can not believe it has been four weeks since Chernet joined our family.  It is a little surreal some days.  We were getting in the car for church on Sunday and I looked at him, over my sunglasses nonetheless, and said, "Do we have two five year olds?  Am I almost thirty?" These were not lamenting comments.  These were.....Man, life has changed... comments.  And for the better.  I can say that today.  We had friends over and our children were well-behaved (though I did not ask my friends' opinion).  The boys played alone in their room for an hour with no fighting, no biting or kissing, no hitting or tears. 

I don't want to forget these moments so.... the top moments of the last four weeks:

~ Text from JT while I am on night shift:  "I may or may not have kicked the shake and go Buzz into wall.  Just saying."

~From the night Chernet came home...spoken by Tedi: "Chernet, we speak regular here."

~Watching the boys welcome home JT with screams and hugs....each day as if it has been weeks since they have seen him.

~While sad, watching Chernet cry for his brother when they are separate.  It lets me know there is bonding, and now, love. 

~Tedi to us then repeated to friends, adamantly: "My eyes used to be brown like my brother's but they are blue now like my daddy's."  He really thinks they are blue and he is NOT color blind.

~Chernet LOVING dogs. 

~A constant fascination with the Amharic word for penis.....and saying it in public.

~Listening to Chernet speak Amharic to Ezra at church...hearing him say he liked living with us but did not like that meat other than chicken we tried to feed him....

~ Tedi: "Mommy, Chernet just peed on me."
   Me:   "In the bathroom?"
   Tedi:  "Nah, in our bedroom.  On my shirt."

Cherry Coke Zero, Hail Marys, and School

I am giving myself 15 minutes on the computer.... 15 minutes to blog, drink my cherry coke zero, have some mango peach salsa, and maybe work on an HIV project for work.  This cherry coke zero is the first one I have really stopped to enjoy....the first one that is merely more than the caffeine within it.... And let me tell you, there are big brown jealous eyes staring at me....whether they want the soda or to not be forced into "quiet/nap time," I do not know.  Nevertheless. 

A smattering of happenings here lately.....

Since I posted back on August 6th, things have definitely improved.... there is more laughter and sharing and love.  Evidence #1: Today my friend from work and her twin 2.5 year olds came over.  There was no biting, no crying, no pinching, no whining.  Both boys actually shared with the younger children.  Evidence #2: Last night's toy car clean up effort took less than 7 minutes.  Maybe a new record....even if it was in order to have chocolate.  Evidence #3: Tedi cried more in the first two weeks that Chernet was home than in the entire time he had lived with us.  In the last week, I believe we have only seen real tears once or twice.... and they were because he did not want to lose his privileges....not real tears in my book. 

Chernet had his ESL test last week.... I know we are all shocked that he was offered ESL services.  The beauty of this is that we had our pick of schools throughout the entire county.  We chose our home school as a his second choice and tossed a Hail Mary at a performing arts magnet school that often proves difficult to get into..... Guess what, for once, JCPS jumped up and caught the pass like Eli Manning to David Tyree in the 2007 Super Bowl.  Chernet will be going to Lincoln Performing Arts School for kindergarten this year.  It is so close to my work and a mile from Tedi's school....which will be convenient for the babysitter in the afternoons.  We are so excited for the boys to both be in good schools....the fact that they are at different schools may prove to be more challenging. 

We have been seeing every doctor in the city recently.... who knew every child in the city had to have dental, eye and medical appointments to start school.  I mean, we were already going to do this but Seriously?  I guess it makes parents get it done.  We have gotten six shots (yes, I believe in vaccines.  you won't win that argument here), multiple blood draws, a dilated eye exam, and the dental exam is Monday....  JT gets to do the dermatologist alone :-) Sorry babe!

Lastly, I have been scheduling my fellowship interviews..... I have one scheduled here and in Milwaukee for my vacation (like next week) and then Ann Arbor and Pittsburgh for October.  I am very honored to be offered interviews at these great programs.  Milwaukee is one I am excited about because that is the city where my lovely friend, Eunice, from medical school is completing her residency.  I am driving up alone and getting to spend an extra day with her.  It will be such special time because I get to meet her new husband and reconnect!  And just to be clear, I am excited for the one here.  I love it here...my boys do....JT does.... I think they like me.  It is gonna be tough!

Okay, I think it has been longer than 15 minutes.  We have to go to Chernet's school open house tonight and I have yet to shower.  I wonder, do stay at home mom's ever shower.  If so, I do not know how.  I am obviously not cut out for this ;-)  What I am cut out for?  The glass of wine I will be enjoying tonight with some friends....

Word FULL Wednesday

I see lots of people who do blogs post "wordless Wednesdays" but I am not that good at keeping it word free.  After my last post, I had lots of comments, emails, and facebook messages... I appreciate all of the kind words and support.  We have been offered meals....which we so appreciate, but with the exception of me working this weekend, I will be home for most meals in the coming weeks!  I also did not want the post to insinuate I have these crazy awful kids...  really there are more good moments than bad.....many many more.  I think my level of sleep deprivation makes the bad seem unbearable.  We have had a really good couple of days together.  I have learned that boys are better when they are busy!! On Monday after I woke up, we went to Michael's to start a behavior chart of sorts....I DO NOT craft so that was interesting.  I was lost, to put it nicely, then onto chocolate ice cream (chernet was all about that) and finished at Waterfront park.  We were at Tyler Park at 7:45 am yesterday running it out and then the babysitter took them to her pool and gym and then back to Central Park last night with friends!  Thankfully for me, this meant they slept till 8am today...so lucky! With all this park visiting, I am heavily convinced at my need for a backyard.  I could at least look less presentable when outside if we had a backyard...

Today we go for a meeting at my work.  Yep, I am the crazy person taking two 5 year olds to a work meeting then for Chernet's first checkup with the pediatrician...poor Dr. Amy.  We get to start the vaccine catch-up schedule.  Fun times, I am sure will be had by all!  Tomorrow is Chernet's ESL testing for public school and Friday we see the Infectious Disease team!  I am excited to have little plans because that gives us something to do and get out of the house!  Sometime in all of this, we will celebrate our anniversary and I will start (and finish) a big work project! 

So yes, things are tough but there is also beautiful, sweet moments.  LIke the ones pictured below. 

Sarah McLachlan and Adoption

I just got off of work.  It is 4:22a.m. and our house is dark except for a single lamp.  The only noise: the beloved central air.  Quiet....another term: Still....both words that have NOT been used in this house as of late.   I know many people that read our blog in the adoptive community have anywhere from four to five to 12 kids, something beyond what I can imagine right now.  This blog post is not for you because you will think me weak.  This blog post is also not for someone who is ready to pass judgement.  Go elsewhere.  Nor is it for someone who says "two kids...now is when it really starts..."

I have also come to realize that there are many people who read our blog with whom I work, who are new to adoption, friends from college, or just whatever really.  Many people interested in or early in the adoption process pass by here.  People who for some reason just like reading this silly blog of ours.... This blog post is for these people....for those people who need to / want to know that there are tears behind smiles and growls behind grins....pictures can hide a thousand words.

I was speaking with a friend tonight who said "If people that are interested in international adoption only see the good side, then they will be in for a rude awakening when it is not all peaches and cream and Sarah McLachlan songs."  After I laughed to myself for a few minutes about Sarah McLachlan and how JT gets annoyed at her songs despite me making him listen throughout college, I realized she was right, though it was painful to admit it to myself and to her.  Honesty and transparency is not weakness and moreover, it is not complaining.  I chose to adopt so I will not complain about the perils, heartaches, frustrations that accompany it.  Yet, my friend is right. I need to be honest.  I need to get over my fear of being judged by others and continue to be an honest and transparent example for other families and allow others in so they may learn from our experiences.

I say all of that because in the last 14 days there has not always been best buddies playing cars and Leave It to Beaver family dinners at 6:00p.m. every night with prayers and a crumb-less floor.  There have been tears and regression from the oldest as he learns to share his world with someone who can't share because they have never been privy to anything to share.  There have been words of adult frustration because of refusal of children to listen both out of choice and of not understanding the English language. 

I mean, we can teach English.  Jefferson County Public Schools and their wonderful and experienced ESL teachers will help with this as of August 21st as well.  Teaching English will come, but teaching love is difficult.  You have to live love.  And sometimes that hurts because you love someone and they don't return it. And I sit and think about Chernet....how can he know love, accept love, give love when for three years he lived in an orphanage without truly having someone consistently, day in and day out LOVING HIM.  Mother Teresa said it best when she said, "Being unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everybody, I think that is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty than the person who has nothing to eat.”  To think of my son that way hurts my soul. We have to Love him, over and over and over again...that is how he will learn it. And yet, to discipline requires love.  To become a family requires love... To share requires love.... and yet with so much hurt and loss for three long years learning love is difficult... In saying this I don't mean to portray that Chernet was not well cared for in Ethiopia...he was.... I am not saying that he is not a happy, playful kid.... he is totally that.  His needs were met... but he was not tucked in at night.  He was not rocked to sleep.  He was not kissed when he fell down. He was not corrected and disciplined in love and with grace... so now we must pick up the pieces and start over and guess what.... That is not EASY.  I know, shocking, right?  Maybe I should be reading the Bible but Mother Teresa's words have been a great thinking place for me...She said "I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." We are trying to live this....each day as we pour out more of ourselves into these beautiful boys who have experienced such tremendous loss, hurt, and pain that we can not fathmom.... each little moment, we can maybe gradually replace big hurts with small pieces of love until some day there may be more love than hurt. 

My husband deserves more credit than I could ever give him in words or repay him in deed.  I have been at work every day since Chernet came home with the exception of one. All of my shifts have been 5p-9a or 4p-4a except for two days.  This leaves me sleeping when they are all awake and makes JT essentially a single dad.  He is such a great daddy and loves his boys so much.  Even so, there are moments when we both look at each other or text one another (since face to face has been a rarity) and wonder if this will get better.  Will Tedi stop imitating the bad behaviors of Chernet?  Will Chernet learn English...will he listen....will he not hit his brother....throw toys....?  Will we ever sink into a routine?  We like to think we will.... 

So here we stand, JT and I, holding hands in chaos surrounded by noise, both laughter and clatter.... praying that with each bad day there are two good ones.... for each backwards step, we take two forward.  Because there is laughter and there are tears (yep, I shed one or two tonight but I don't think anyone saw :-).  And things will get better, this we know.  I write this blog not to talk about how hard adoption is....how hard the loss these kids suffer can be.... how hard it can be to discipline a child who does not speak English (this is hard regardless of language).... All of these statements are true.  I write this so that others know, as John Donne said, "no man is an island unto himself." and thus, neither are we.  Having a kid is hard, whether you birth a baby, adopt a baby, adopt a big kid....it is hard work and not for the weak at heart. But we if operate as independent islands from one another, we run the risk of feeling all alone in our troubles and also, sadly, in our victories.  So I write this as an invitation to cut yourself some slack, and realize you are not alone in the bad days.  I write this to encourage people to encourage others, when their kids are being total and complete little devils and when there is a good day..... I write this so we remember to lift up our spouses, remember to give them breaks, remember to honor their hard work and devotion....to do the same for our friends.  I write this because I needed to be real.....because when I am real, I hope to invite others to be the same way. 

Lastly, I post this picture because it truly demonstrates the delicate balance that is parenting, that is loving...the give and the take... (and I hold my breath as I wait for the first broken arm)

Where Have We Been?

I have been at work... A LOT.  This month (well July) I was in the pediatric ICU....my favorite place in the hospital since that is where I want to work.  It was hard being gone with Chernet just coming home.  Nevertheless, even in a very stressful personal month, I still desire to pursue this as a career.  Even so much at that I have already submitted my application for fellowship and have interviews for the next couple of months. Because of being at work and something about a new kid here, I have not been blogging... Whoops....

We have been to the zoo and fed ducks and in time out and to Target and to church and time out and mommy's work and daddy's work and time out.  We rode in cars and bought smaller clothes and tried banana milkshakes for the first time and worn six shirts and learned the Dougie and sat in more time out.  We have hugged the head heart surgeon and interventional cardiologist at Kosair Children's Hospital (it was as awkward as you are thinking), shaken the head of the top infectious disease doc, met mommy's favorite co-workers, and been in more time out.... 

You get the picture.  It has been a crazy, fun, exhausting, time out filled 10 days.  There has been a shift in the last day and a half....a bonding of the boys. I can not even tell you how hard I am praying it continues....

I plan to update a little more tomorrow before my night shift.....