Despite everything I know that I have "going for me" (the term your mom would say when someone hurt your feelings... "honey, you have so much going for you. You don't need him as your boyfriend/friend.), I often live with a sense of not wanting to screw up. Yeah, I probably need some kind of counseling, oh well. However, I just want to do everything without flaws (though if you saw my car or closet you may disagree. JT disagrees when he sees these things).
As I have worked to prepare a flawless, 88 slide PowerPoint presentation on HIV as it relates parents and pediatricians alike that I will present to all of the pediatric faculty and residents and medical students, I started becoming self conscious. I started feeling like although we are openly advocating for HIV+ children it is difficult when you stand up in front of your friends, your colleagues, your current bosses, and hopefully future bosses and discuss your child's health. While it is fine on here and adoption circles, it is not easy putting yourself out there....risk losing friends and being judged.
Then I got to thinking....I was not called to live this easy, comfortable life. I was called to lay it all out there. I was called to love children, both in my job and my home, even the ones difficult to love, that we risk losing (at work), and ones that others may look over (at home). And guess what? Sometimes its SUCKS. Yep.
I don't want Chernet to have to think about whether he can have babies someday or if someone won't hug him back because of his HIV or won't be his friend/our friend. I have said before that those friends are not worth it....but let's be honest, it hurts. It stings my heart as a mom because he does have to think about all of these things. As I prepared my presentation, I had to reflect on these things and it was not the easiest thing to revisit (because I have thought about this all before....before our HIV decision, during, and now) and think about from his little perspective.
I get it. Everyone walks through life with issues they must deal with and overcome, just like he will. It is just frustrating that he will do so because of choices not made by him because of a disease he did not ask for....like all childhood issues.
So, in trying to prepare a "flawless" presentation, I am left even more reflective and unsure of what is to come and the strength I don't have alone to face what will come in this journey. What I do know is that this flawed girl will do the best she can to love her boy, teach others that is okay to love him, and try to "change the world for one"?