This Parent's Perspective

I am often thought to be too sarcastic...rough....guarded....bordering on cold....not emotional.  People have said versions of this.  Let me tell you the truth.  These are all a front.  They are a self protective front of which I am fully self aware.  A front for a deeply emotional and sensitive girl...

And this weekend, namely yesterday, I had the wind knocked from me...leaving nothing but bottled, raw emotion. I think we are all affected watching twenty six and seven year olds lose their lives.  How can we not be? I have read arguments and debates and words about gun control....people who homeschool who are thankful their kids don't worry about this scary stuff....those talking about mental illness, incorrectly describing Asperger's syndrome.....this same number of children dying of preventable illness all over the world.... I get all of this. I do.  It is all, well most of it, worthy of conversation.  Just not today, not yesterday.   Say that I am hiding behind emotion, whatever you want.

I just can't breathe every single time I think about it.  I have seen children die.  I have held a dead child and yet tears suffocate me when I think about my own children, five and six year old boys, in schools very much like the one in Connecticut having a round of bullets emptied into their small bodies, stealing the world of their laughter and joy while in a place where they feel as safe as they do at home.

I caught myself being constantly convicted throughout the weekend at my frustrations....the not listening, talking back, fighting with each other, singing inappropriately loud in the car, stepping into yet another person's personal space....and there it went...the air from my lungs... I had to still discipline and redirect and correct but I kissed more heads and was much more patient as we attempted wrapping Christmas gifts and baked cookies and wrestled.

How do you not look at these children, all lost in minutes, not to illness or accident but merely going to school,.... how do you not see your own children...imagine the loss and devastation? If you don't have children....your friend's child, your niece or nephew, god son or god daughter?  Stop for a minute.  Stop thinking about guns.  Stop thinking about your politics.  Stop watching the news (I had to do this).  Stop and let your heart step into the grief you would have if placed in the same situation, the loss of your child, by any means really.  You can not stay there.  The whole of it swallows you and you run to your kids' bedroom and tell their sleeping bodies of your love and listen to their breath and memorize their scent because that brief descent into grief allows you to know it really may be the last time...it just might.

Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."  Matthew 19:14

New Opportunity

"Change is inevitable.  Growth is optional."

I love this quote.  It sums up the life Natalie and I have been blessed with.  I had a friend tell me the other day that Natalie and I haven't chosen an "easy life."  He told me that he finds strength in the way that we live life.  This was one of the greatest compliments paid to me as our life is not easy (living apart in med school, infertility, adoption, moving 10 times in 8 years, HIV adoption, Natalie working 90+ hrs per week, me balancing a career, kids, church, etc.).  To know that my friend views that we do this willingly, happily (most of the time) and with the goal of loving people is encouraging. 

For the past 2 1/2 years, I (JT) have worked for Family & Children's Place as Associate Director of Development.  FCP's mission is "to strengthen our community through healing the trauma of abuse, violence and neglect and promoting safe, healthy and stable families through research based services."  I have been honored to work with some of the best therapists and counselors our community has.  To see the cycle of child sexual abuse end at our Child Advocacy Center is amazing.  I am humbled to have been chosen to advocate for the most vulnerable population of our community: abused children.  I have seen our community rally around this cause and finish a campaign that raised $11.5 million to open a state-of-the-art CAC dedicated to the treatment of  victims of sexual abuse.  I have solicited gifts that were tens of thousands of dollars and connected many people to our mission.  As I look back on my time, I realize that I am the blessed one. 

As we all realize at some point in life, nothing lasts forever.  For the past six months, I have felt a nudge that said maybe my time at FCP was drawing to a close.  I did not know what the next step in my career would be.  Natalie and I were very prayerful in seeking what a career change would look like.  Most of you know that we are very passionate about our church, The Avenue.  We have been involved in The Ave since its infancy.  It is a church plant on campus at the University of Louisville.  I have the pleasure of serving as an elder here.  

The Avenue has to function differently than most churches.  90% of our attendees are younger than 25.  As you can imagine, our weekly offering is often low.  We joke that sometimes people tithe a half eaten bag of Doritos.  Our goal at The Avenue is to plant churches on 100 secular college campuses in ten years.  Read more about that plan here.  In order to achieve our vision, we have to generate revenue.  I was approached by The Ave staff about coming on board with the task of helping us become financial sustainable.  My title will be Business Administrator and will allow me to wear a number of different hats including: starting an Orphan Care outreach at our church (very cool), mentoring/discipling college students and young adults and connecting with the UL campus.       

Here are some reasons I am excited for this switch:

-I love working with college students.  College students are passionate about "doing" not talking.  They hate the "lip service" generation and want to be the hands and feet of Christ.  They are passionate about social justice.  They keep me young and I hope I can provide counsel and wisdom.
-I get to continue to do what I do best which is helping people find and connect to their passion.  Plain and simple, this is where I find my energy and happiness.
-Pace of life with our family.  This job will allow me to pick my boys up from school every day and have more time at home to help Natalie.  This is priceless to Natalie and me.  Since Natalie started residency, we feel like we are burning the candle at both ends.  This switch should allow a little more margin and rest.
-I get to work with some of my best friends.  Read more about those guys and girls here.

Our family is so excited about this move.  I am saddened to leave behind so many good relationships at FCP but know that I have left this place a little better than I found it. 

I will finish with the best career advice I have ever been given.  It is advice that I strive to live every day and something I have repeated to many of my friends.  I had the pleasure of working for the all-time winningest college basketball coach, Don Meyer.  He has told me at least a thousand times that the key to a successful life is:

-Find your gift

-Develop your gift

-Give your gift away to as many people as possible

25 Days of Christmas

I have shared my trials and tribulations of failed pinterest ideas.  However, in looking about trying to add more holiday ideas to my arsenal since I love Christmas (the secular and the Jesus), I came across the idea of Light Em Up.  Basically, it is doing something each day during the month of December to teach your children to give back to others during the holiday season.  If my children are like yours, they receive more than their share of gifts from family and friends and such.....I thought this was a great idea, and while I am not perfect at it and am learning and trying to teach Chernet and Tedi why we are doing it...

A couple of ideas we have completed....
~ taping quarters to the pop machines at the children's hospital (aka my work) so that the next person got a free soda
~ pushing in carts at Wal-Mart
~ buying the cashier her favorite candy, which happened to be M&Ms
~ writing thank you notes to 3 people for being good friends to us
~ decorating the house on Daddy's birthday to let him know how special he is
~ baking cookies for the nurses at my clinic to thank them for the last three years
~ taking coffee to the teacher who does the car rider line in the cold(ish) weather each morning
~ buying coffee for the car behind us at Starbucks

These are just a few of the "days" we have done so far.  And you know, we do Santa. We do Elf on a Shelf.  But we also do Love of others...and giving back and Jesus.....so if you feel one cancels the other, sorry... I don't hate that my parents that lied to me about Santa...I love every single memory of it...Trust me the lies of Santa are NOT the reason for my adulthood "issues".... but what I did learn from my parents (despite their Christmas "fibs") was giving up so others could have...putting others above myself, my children most of all.   I only hope in small little ways I impart this to my boys as the Christmases and years come and go. 

Memory

When Chernet came home 4 months ago, we did not know if we would ever go out to eat or return to our sense of normalcy.  He was crazy....untamed, resistant to love and to discipline.  That child is one I rarely see glimpses of home...  But I remember them.... I can remember those days... for good or for bad. 

When he started school, he invaded other children's personal space.  He did not listen to the teacher.  He did many many things that pushed other children's limits.  I remember those days.  I feared because of those days my son would not make friends, be accepted or be allowed to move on.

Thankfully children do not have the MEMORIES of adults.... Last week, Chernet had his Christmas performance at school.  They did one song with instruments, one with singing, and one with dance.  As we circled the school looking for an open entrance, Chernet grew more and more excited.  We walked into the lobby and one little boy screamed his name and ran to hug him.  Then, the other door opened and another little boy saw him and screamed, "CHHHHEEERRRNNEETTT" as he ran to hug my son.  I got choked up as Chernet turned to say "my school...my friends" with a huge smile on his face. 

I am thankful that children do not have my memory and really do forgive and forget.  If only we adults operated more in this mindset.  Nonetheless, I am thankful my boy has friends and is moving past things from four months ago....now it is time for me to do the same!

More Family Pics

A couple of blog posts back I posted a few pics from our family photo session.  You really should check out www.lizzieloo.com  whether you are an adoptive family, a bride, a family or whatever.... the pics are great...  Here are a couple of our favs.

Family Evolution....Christmas Card Style

Matched

Yesterday at noon I snuck into a call room with two of my close friends, logged in to the National Residency Matching Program website, and to my shear pleasure, found out that I "matched" at the University of Louisville (where I am currently) for my critical care fellowship.  I know many of you do not know what this means..... basically, I have six months left of pediatric residency.  If I stopped there, I would be a general peds doctor.  However, I want to work in the PICU (pediatric intensive care unit) and to do so, I must do three more years of training.  Glutton for punishment?  Maybe. 

Nevertheless, I could not be more excited.  First, I have a husband that will support me through five to seven calls per month for next three years, love me even when I am not lovable, and be both a mother and father at times... (And calls do not mean I sleep at home and answer a pager... I wish.  I spend the night in the hospital and he is home).  Second, I love this city and the friends that I have made here and are staying here.  Third, I could not be luckier to be educated by an intimidatingly intelligent and challenging group of faculty. 

Yet, I am so scared....that I do not know enough, won't be good enough, can not balance work and family.... and at the same time, so ready to learn more, challenge myself even more. 

Frankly, I am just so blessed.  Erica took me out for Thai food the night before.  My friend Sarah brought me breakfast on match day as well as had cookies ready after it was final.  Kasey and Heather brought me cards (because they know of my love of cards).  My boys sent me flowers.  My medical student made butterscotch brownies since I am the only person who buys the butterscotch Lifesavers and she had hear about it.  I was flooded with texts and Facebook messages.  My nursing friends on the med-surg floor bought me great Mexican food and we had a little fiesta.  Shreep bought me a diet coke (very crucial and thoughtful!).  I was on call after the match so JT took my post call day off....we took the boys to a doc appt, had brunch at Wild Eggs, watched the movie Lincoln, and finished up the boys Christmas.  I am overly loved, if you will. 

I mean, it was just a great time.  Some would say "well why make such a big deal, especially if you were kind of, sorta sure you would match there?" A good friend even said as much. That is valid, I guess.  But it is a life changer.  A big decision.  A big day.  And I appreciate those who went out of their way to make my day special and made me feel loved. 

So there it is.  We are staying here in Louisville, at least until June 2016 that is! 

Thankful

It is the eleventh day of November...orphan awareness month, the month of Thanksgiving.  As the month has marched on the past eleven days, I have read Facebook status after status of the things people are thankful for.  It is interesting, for numerous reasons, to see for what people are thankful.  I have not participated in this, though I don't disagree with the concept, but it really has made me consider what I am thankful for. 

I mean, I guess what we are thankful for, in it's most deconstructed definition...are the things that make our life better.  Yes, in my opinion, this can be both good and bad.  I am thankful for the crappy MCAT score in 2005 because otherwise I would not have made the friends I did at Ross and been on the path to being a pediatric intensivist... I am thankful that I did not get pregnant when I wanted to because of the beautiful sons I have now, for the other children that have been adopted as a result, for racial divides that have been crossed....

Yet when I really think about the things I am most thankful for, even the seemingly bad things, are people.  Don't get me wrong, I am "thankful" for the THINGS that make life better.....iPhones and chocolate and 90s music and nice stationary and clean water and my health and Disney movies and diet coke and my down comforter and good pizza and a quality ink pen and my hair after a salon day and Reef flip flops and ice cream and ceiling fans and any kind of dip and perfume and journals and Christmas decorations and my yoga pants.... even the "things" which I value most....the things you run into fire for, that do not have a value on a homeowners policy... all of these are tied to people.....For instance, my blue quilt and handmade corduroy bear were made by grandma who is long gone or Christmas traditions because my mom handed them down or my dad's US Navy dog tags or my dad's family cookbook or photographs, each with their own story. 

I am thankful for a husband who more than tolerates me, more than loves me but does laundry and is both mom and dad more days than not and likes to mop floors and even though he gets mad at drive thrus once a week, which speaks to my cooking and yet another reason he loves me too much, he is integral.  For him I am thankful...  For my mom for teaching to give, to celebrate, to have fun.... and my dad for work ethic and refusal to give up.... and my sister for reminding me not to take myself too seriously....For my in laws and their love of me and my family and encouraging me and helping with our kids.  Daniel and Denise who think are children hung the moon as they throw things across the room.

For my dear dear friends.... Emily for being steadfast and so different from me that it works and Jacqueline for making me demand more of myself and Sarah for a glimpse to my past and Erica for just being easy and the endless ramblings that are comfortable as if we have always been friends.... For Heather in her love for my family and being just like JT and both getting and pretending to appreciate my card obsessions.  And Taryn who loves my boys and is here at a moments notice with coffee and babysitting, even when she would rather be at a Kappa Delta function.  For Eunice and Paige and their role in my becoming who I am as a doctor....for not letting me sell myself short. For Erin, who continues to be both a mentor and friend to me...and Kate for seeing in me something before I saw it in myself.  For Brittney who has seen me through 2 adoptions and loves me despite my inability to contribute any food to any party we have. And Amy for her open door policy and lack of judgment and forgiveness of foul language and telling me I am smart when I am anything but.  My other Britney, who loves me, even when I do not pluck my eyebrows or get my hair cut on time.   These people, and others along the way that I am clearly leaving out....they are the real reason life is better.  They are the real reason to be thankful. 

You see, I have stopped finding it coincidental when I meet someone who changes my life a little or a lot....I have stopped standing in awe when I can connect the dots to how and why I met a person and how it changes my life, the course of my future, and makes the future make sense.  I believe God uniquely and purposefully orchestrated each relationship, each encounter, and we should all take them a little more seriously. 

Days 1-30 of Month of Thankfulness: I am thankful for my people.
(even if I did not list you by name, please don't think it doesn't matter.... I promise you do.)

"Let me be grateful to people who make me happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom "

- Macel Proust

Family Pics

Here is a screen shot of a few of them.... we get the CD this week. We love  Elizabeth at Lizzie Loo.  She did our family pics when Tedi came home, so it was only appropriate for her to do these.  I will post more when we get them!!!!!

Would you?

Would you adopt?  Would you if it did not cost so much money?  Would you if you did not have to answer questions about them being "your own" or about your sex life and it's ability to produce a child?  Would you adopt if you were not afraid of what your family or friends would think?  Would you adopt if you knew they would be "normal"?  Would you adopt if it was easy? Would you adopt a toddler or older child if you were not worried they had trauma in the past....that they wouldn't affect your 'own' kids?  Would you adopt if you were not afraid? 

Take moment.  Would you?

Handwriting and Kevin Bacon

On the evening of the election, I will speak NOTHING about the election. 

I have written about it many times but I have a weakness of giving cards and receiving them.. not emails, not facebook messages, not texts...but the real deal.  I often feel they go wasted and unappreciated but at the same time, the pleasure and happiness I have in picking out each one for each specific person is worth it if there is a slight bit of joy brought to the other person.  Very few people seem to enjoy them, and that is fine.  However, a couple of weeks ago as I sat up in the hospital waiting listen to a kid after a breathing treatment, I found my self flipping through the medically sound magazine of PEOPLE....  You know the last page of the magazine usually has a quick bio story of a star?  Well, this random one featured Kevin Bacon (as I typed his name, I realized how weird it is to have the last name Bacon).... I read this little bit in his article and felt VALIDATED by the Footloose protagonist....
 
"My favorite thing in the world is to receive postcards from friends.  And I trave a lot, so I send them back.  It may be old-fashioned, but when I see someone's handwriting, it's like a little piece of them. And I always love it." 

I feel the same way about the handwriting bit but just feel too cheesy and self conscious to admit it.  I loved seeing my mom sign her name growing up.  I feel a sense of comfort seeing either of my parents' writing on a piece of mail.  JT thinks I am crazy when I do not want to put a return address on a piece of mail.  I, however, find it exciting to guess who cards and letters are from.  I know you are shocked I had a pen pal in elementary school.

Anyhow, if you send me a card or letter or postcard, rest assured it is being saved and treasured, regardless of how insignificant the occasion or as meaningless as you may think....it is in my "card box" that my friend Erica designated in our last move for the collection!  She said it was a little out of control...  every one of them means a lot.

Why We Adopt: The 4 minute version

Make a video - it's fun, easy and free!
www.onetruemedia.com

Rice Krispies....Nickleback....Pinterest....

Here I am... standing in the kitchen, slinging my purse over my shoulder heading to work when Tedi says,

"What snacks are you bringing to my Halloween party?"

Let's be honest....That question really means "are you as cool as the other moms?"  At least that is how it felt.  I was able to get out of work early and run to the store.  I thought...well I had seen these things are on Pinterest, I surely could make this.  "This" being these little things....

So cute, right?  Thank you Pinterest for again making me domestically incapable and a maternal failure!  I appreciate it.  When cooking, I need specific instructions....ie..." Let them cool for X amount of time before rolling them into pumpkin-esque shapes."  Well, in my haste after work to get from work to the store to "baking" (if making rice krispies really is that) and then to Chernet's doctor's appointment and trick or treating, I did not realize that I was not able to allow for cooling time.  Thus, every time I attempted to roll these, they fell apart in my hand....  So I laid it all out on the pizza tray and realized...I will just turn this into a pumpkin and let the teacher cut it.... and this is what we got...yes, a bit more scary than the happy Pinterest version.....

I wish it got easier from here.... So I throw their costumes in a bag as well as an essential diet coke and somehow got into the car.  As I pull onto 6th Street, I realize this d%$n pumpkin was sliding off the tray in my seat, wax paper and all.  So here I am, driving with my left hand and with my right arm in full extension, quite uncomfortably, holding this pumpkin in place.  Then, Nickleback comes on the radio.  I realize they are one of those groups that you don't like but know every song....but I can't change the channel without sacrificing my car or the pumpkin. I then realize it is not Nickleback but in fact 3 Doors Down...same difference right.  I keep going and finally catch a stoplight.  I change the station and am left the decision....Do I listen to Pink or Katy Perry's divorce music? I chose Pink....why wouldn't you?

I get the pumpkin delivered and the next kid picked up and blood drawn and trick or treating done.... I sit down to post this blog in hopes of making people laugh because seriously, it is funny.  It really is.... the left over rice krispies are in a pan in the kitchen.  My lovely husband walks in and says:

"Dear, you know how toilet paper and ketchup are on the list of things you shouldn't buy generic? Well, can I add rice krispies to that list?  You can spend the extra 30 cents."  I could have smacked him in the face!!!!   Tedi, however, told me they were "AWESOME" and this was the best Halloween EVER....

Month of Change

 November is orphan awareness month..... This is the perfect opportunity to for those of you who want to do something to make a difference, help kids around the world, but adoption is not where you are at in your life right now.  This is a great way to teach your kids, if you have them, that even the smallest about of change can make an impact.

Eyes That See, which I have talked about before, runs an organization in Ethiopia where they help provide education and a meal each day to 200+ school children.  They have a child sponsorship program (we sponsor two of their children, one named Chernet). They also run The Keziah House....
"The purpose of the Keziah House is to rehabilitate women who are living in prostitution by providing a dormitory living space with intensive counseling and life skills. This program includes five months of accredited job training."

In November, Eyes That See does a project called Month of Change....You save your change for a whole month and at the end, you send the amount to Eyes That See that will go to support their programs in Ethiopia.  Despite our use of plastic money, we are doing it here.  I even asked people around my hospital to participate and I have many fellow residents, PICU nurse practitioner friends, PICU nurses, the hospitalists group....all are stepping up.

If you are interested, email me or email Eyes That See (partner@eyesthatsee.org).... We would love to have as many people participate in their homes/jobs/wherever....Just make a jar/cup/container and start saving!

Next Weekend: OCA and Orphan Sunday

I know you are all shocked that next weekend, when JT is the keynote speaker at the OCA (orphan care alliance) and is speaking at Living Grace Church in Campbellsville, Kentucky, I work on Saturday and am on call Sunday.  It makes quite sad... I was hoping to give the seminar on HIV and adoption, but JT will do that and the keynote at OCA Saturday morning.  Then Sunday, he is taking the opportunity to speak about adoption and orphan care to the church were our best friends, Emily and Jason, led the way in orphan care before moving to Phoenix.  I am so blessed to be married to a man who loves orphans, will speak out and advocate for them, is great at laundry and can rock Bel Biv Devoe.

Check out the official orphan care video below.... and if you want to hear JT speak at OCA, Saturday, feel free....he would love it!

 

 

 

Tres Months....with a family

A couple of months ago I sat down at 4:22a.m. after a long ER shift that involved me slipping out of the emergency department to sit on the couch in the ICU call room and MAYBE tear up to my friend about how hard this adoption was.  Remember the Sarah McLachlan Post? JT may have kicked the shake and go Buzz Lightyear into the wall.  Then, most of August and September I spent feeling alone in Chernet's school behavior....like we were chasing our tails and it would never get better...we would always be in the orange zone.... No flying for us.

He has been home THREE months.  It seems so fast but so long at the same time.  I am not sure what happened, but about 3 weeks ago, something clicked.  The orange behaviors moved to a couple of yellows and then blue.  Two weeks, ago GREEN snuck in there.  Then, he started speaking English.  Like, with inflection, this is what I want and I wish you knew what I was trying say English. 
He says "Cuse me, Teddddi Bear.  My turn talk."  and  "I want Happy Birthday for Chernet"  and  "I want score goalie" and he will tell us stories about school, even if there is no timeframe!  He thinks Tedi is the best thing in the whole world....like cries if they are not together.  And Tedi feels the same way.  It really is a beautiful picture to witness.

Despite the immense progress, there are still struggles.  It would be a lie to say otherwise.  Chernet would choose his brother or dad over me 100 times out of 100.  He still shows affection indiscriminately and we feel like jerks asking people to NOT be overly affectionate.  And he does not listen well some days (I know that is many kids but sometimes it is with danger and is a learned behavior) ....But there has been so much progress.

Yet in the good and the bad, I would do it all over again.  I MAY or MAY NOT have said to JT tonight "can we have or adopt a girl now?"  If you are contemplating adoption, I will tell you...it is not easy.  It can be really tough taking on the issues caused by someone else and loving someone through it.  Yet, it is worth it.  It is worth the pain and fights and work.... the love, the kisses, the baby steps and huge progress is soo worth.  It is by the far the most redemptive life-changing thing I have experienced.  Both boys have changed my lives in so so many ways.  Can you see the difference?

The Difference a Family Makes

Eat Italian, Help Orphans

Okay local friends.... here is an excuse to eat out for a good cause.  My brother in-law, Daniel, is the kitchen manager at Rocky's in Louisville and in conjunction with his restaurant, he help set up a fundraiser for Eyes That See, one of our favorite organizations that works in Ethiopia.

When you eat at Rocky's Italian Restaurant (must be the Jeffersonville, IN location) ALL DAY on Tuesday, Oct. 23, 20% of your meal will be donated to help an organization called 'Eyes That See'. They run a feeding program, providing children with education and food, and teaching them about Jesus! Also, they provide education and job training for women formerly in the sex industry while giving them a safe place to live and worship. 

Just print out the flyer and give it to your server. Eat good food for a good cause! Oh, and the Henderson family (us ;-) will be there if you want to hang out! 

If you can't make the dinner, head over to www.eyesthatsee.org and sponsor a child so they can continue their schooling. If you love our kids, love orphans but don't feel ready to adopt, stepping in this way gives you a connection, a face, and you are making a difference!

Weekends Away

Last weekend JT and I headed to Ann Arbor, Michigan so that I could interview for fellowship.  We spent a couple of days visiting friends after the interview and it was great time. The leaves were changing and the colors were magnificent.  I can not tell you how nice it was to sleep in past EARLY for a few mornings.  We owe it to my mom and sis as well as JT's parents.  Of course, Chernet hurt his finger and ended up in the ED while we were gone.  (He is fine, by the way.  Thank goodness my best friend Heather was working.)  We finished the weekend with trick or treating at the zoo with my friend Erin and her family.  While busy, it was relaxing and fun all at the same time......

At a cider mill in southern Michigan

Beautiful day

Loving the attention

Captain America and Venom Spiderman

With the boys

This past weekend we went the Gatlinburg, Tennessee with my in-laws and stayed at their time share.  My mom met us there.  The boys had a great time.  There was a huge water park and playground....they saw a bear while I was shopping and loved that as well.  It was neat for Chernet to see things for the first time.  Every other word was "Waz Dat?"

Frustration

I am glad I have waited several days to write this post.  Nevertheless, I am still harboring frustration FOR (not with) Chernet.  While I am mostly happy with his school, I feel like I am having to say over and over to myself and to others..."He lived three of his first five years in an orphanage with minimal rules. It was survival of the fittest and we do not know what behaviors he saw and felt were acceptable."  Do not hear me wrong.  I grew up with the motto of "Excuses are a sign of weakness."   I do not excuse Chernet's behavior when it does not fall in line with the rules but at the same time, I understand or try to understand its origin.  So when someone shoves him, he shoves back.  He continues a behavior, even if bad, when someone laughs.  He wants to hug people and hold hands with his friends because that is how he has grown up.  And I feel I am incessantly explaining little behaviors to people so they don't "label" him.  I feel like it is a constant little battle....

And despite this, he is doing so well.  Our NO FLY ZONE color has improved and even earned GREEN behavior two times this week.  That is the best he can get!  I let him pick a coloring book, his favorite thing, as a reward for his behavior on Tuesday.  I wish you could hear his English....the new language mixed with his Ethiopian accent.  He is telling me stories about school and sports and friends....though the stories are scattered from the weeks since he came home.  He told me all about playing baseball (albeit two weeks ago).... about someone hurting his feelings at school.  They are in broken English and hard to piece together.....but they are his.  And while he often still won't hug me or kiss me at will, I feel privileged to be privy to his random stories at bedtime.

I love this boy.  He is my boy and I will fight for his little stories and little life...Over and over and over again.

Proud

We all do things in life and want someone to be proud of us....to acknowledge our accomplishment(s) even if they are small.  Some will say "I don't need the approval of others."  No, we don't need it, but if we are truly honest with ourselves, we WANT it. 

This weekend Tedi and Chernet played in their weekly soccer game.  They both love it and are getting better each week.  Yet a pivotal moment for me came this week... I watched as Tedi dribbled (I used to think this only applied to basketball...I have been schooled to the contrary) the soccer ball down the small field.  He made the shot.  Standing with my friends Heather and Adam, Tedi turned and smiled at me.

"Smiled" is probably too small of a word.  Adam said "You are the first person he looked for" as Tedi made a bee line towards me as fast as he could and embraced me in a hug.  I hugged his little body that is inching closer to my height.  I told him I was so proud of his goal and his effort. 

I never imagined I could feel such an overwhelming sense of pride in anyone.....  He is a great boy and I have been so so blessed....so changed by him.