Inadequacy

I am sure I have may have blogged on this topic before.  My biggest struggle is the intense feeling of inadequacy....as a mother, a wife, a friend, a daughter, a sister, a doctor, co-worker.  I love my job and almost every minute I spend in the hospital, yet I find my sincere joy in caring for others' childrens keeps me away from my own child.  I can not dedicate enough time to my friendships because the time spend away from work is appropriately given to my husband and son.  I do not see my parents, whom I love, or my sister very often.  Then in the midst of all of this, I am not leaving enough space to spend time in prayer...and maybe that is why I can't ever get all of the other stuff together.  Well...I know it is. 

At any given moment, I am thinking.... "Why am I fat?  Why can't lose the weight? Why am I not as smart as him? Why can't I spend more time at home?  Why can't I be as good of a mom as her? Why can't I cook?  I want to read a non-medical book.  Does God hear my pleas?  Do those around me know I love them without me saying it?  Should I wake a little earlier so I can get home earlier...4am is early....okay, I can do it?"  This could all take place in one single minute.  I am woman......so this seems natural.... Yet, when I start thinking this way, despite my desire to listen to sad music like Angel by Sarah McLachlan or read Sylvia Plath, the quote below comes creeping into my mind.  I don't really have great commentary on it but feel it speaks to my heart even when I do not want it to.  I hope you get something out of it.

Our Greatest Fear

it is our light not our darkness that most frightens us

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,

talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other

people won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of

God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,

we unconsciously give other people

permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear,

Our presence automatically liberates others.

—Marianne Williamson