Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Bend and Not Break
(a rambling blog, so be warned)

Some of you out there may recognize the title....a song title by Dashboard Confessional....that I have taken out of the context of the song because the words of the title explain the way I am feeling on the inside.  I ventured to my old blog ( to enjoy my playlist of music while I did some computer work at home (I couldn't stay at the hospital another second to do it.)  The music was a welcomed friend and break because while I am not musically gifted in the least, I thoroughly enjoy listening to it..... everything from Sister Hazel to Mariah Carey to Kutless to Sugarland to Jay-Z and much more...(check it out if you need something to listen to while you browse) So this is where the title of today's blog comes in.  Also, revisiting my med school blog reminded me of, the source of some of my favorite quotes.... below are some of my favorites, a quirky way to remind me(you) of real life....

"Sometimes I can't wait to leave, but not when my boys are wishing I could stay"
"Everything changed the day they figured out there was exactly enough time for the important things in their lives."
"He laid on my chest & her breathing filled me almost to beyond what I could hold"
"He loved her for almost everything she was & she decided that was enough to let him stay for a very long time."
"This is a giant block of whatever is most difficult for you to carry & trust me on this, you'll carry it more times than you can count until you decide that's exactly what you want to do most & then it won't weigh a thing anymore."

So why am I bending and trying not to has been a tough month.  I am exhausted beyond measure from work....I come home from the hospital and still have computer work to do because I just could not take being at the hospital any longer. I can barely hold my eyes open at home. When this happens, I start feeling inadequate.... Inadequate as a wife, a friend, a Christian, a mother, a life.  I do not want to clean our house or cook (which is not really different than when I am well rested)  I do not give cards to my friends, call them or text them enough.  I do not pray enough, have the motivation to be at church...when I need to the most.  I do not call my family enough.  And I am not as active with Tedi, wanting to play or wrestle or read.  Thus, in my exhaustian...I let inadequacy begin to creep in and chip away at my energy, my soul, and my self worth.  Thankfully, I have had two dear friends encourage me immensely today, showing me with their words, as mothers, wives, hard workers, that I am not alone and that Satan would like me to focus only on the above inadequacies and the many many unwritten ones... So I write this with a heavy, but transparent heart... from a girl who wants it be a doctor, a beautiful, respected wife, dedicated mother to a son who knows I will come home to him, loyal and trusted friend, but I just can't seem to get it quite right...

I hope maybe at least one person made it through the rambling.  Despite my aforementioned feelings, I do know and appreciate every little blessing I have and I don't want anyone to think otherwise.  Sometimes it is just nice to admit you do not have it all together.  Thankfully for me, I have loving friends and a Savior who have my back, even when I am pushing them away!

1 comment:

  1. I'm praying for you Natalie. the words "This too shall pass" come to mind here..
    I love you~