Monday, January 16, 2012

Birthday Cake Grief

Today, January 16th, Tedi and I were driving home after seeing Beauty and the Beast in 3D...(he loves all Disney movies). I was flipping through radio stations and to avoid listening to LMFAO, I kept going and stopped on "Praise You in this Storm" by Casting Crowns.  Instantly, Brooke and Richie popped into my mind... (Richie is JT's first cousin)  This song was played last January at their son's funeral.  Today would have been Eli's first birthday had he not left this world last January after an unexplainable brain bleed.  I have watched them this past year and admire and respect their strength.  They have made life changes to move beyond the daily grind to really do what they are called to do.... They have grown as people and shown so many of us how to really live.  Despite their grief and loss, they have even shown us how to really give, to love, to keep going despite our circumstances.  To read her blog in full, click HERE.  I wanted to share today's blog post by Brooke.  When you start complaining about the little silly things, think about this....

Birthday Cake

So today's the day I have been thinking about and dreading. It's Eli's 1st birthday. I don't know why but I think I kind of felt like I would have some sort of magic answer by now. That somehow I would understand it all by now. Well, the truth is, I don't. Sure I have been closer to the Lord throughout this last year than ever. Sure I have good days, blessings, and things to be thankful for. We have done some good things as a result of Eli's life and death. Despite all that, I am still a mom. A mom without her baby. I miss him. I want him. I don't want to be celebrating his birthday without him. I don't want to be explaining to Grant why we can't send birthday cake in the mail to Heaven. I want my little one year old. I want the cake, the candle and presents. I don't want to be taking a piece of cake to his gravesite. I want him to play in it and lick the icing off his fingers.

Yes I realize that these thoughts are not rational, they are normal, but not rational. I know he is having a much better birthday in Heaven than he could ever have here. I know that amazing things have come out of this tragedy and many peoples lives have been touched. For that I am so thankful. But I can't help it. I still want him. I want to know who he would be. I want to know if he would look like Grant. I want to know if he would act like his daddy or have brown curly hair like me. When I feel this way, I can only take comfort in knowing that God knows him completely. God knew him before he was born. He made him and He knows exactly what Eli is like.

I say this to remind anyone that might be reading and has lost someone, or going through something difficult; it is ok and normal to feel like you don't understand. To feel like you are hurt and angry. I want you to know that you can find comfort in God's promises. You just have to be looking for them. God has given me the promise of being with my son forever in Heaven. So for now, that has to be enough. And for now I am ok with just being a mom without her baby. For today on his birthday and every day and birthday to come, I will remember him. I will celebrate him. I will teach his brother and future siblings about the Lord so that one day we will all be together forever in Heaven. I will work diligently to finish my work here and serve the Lord until that day. Praise be to Him for the strength to survive the day and all the blessings He has given me.

Happy Birthday Eli. We miss you and love you very much. I hope you are having the most amazing birthday cake in Heaven.


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