Yes I realize that these thoughts are not rational, they are normal, but not rational. I know he is having a much better birthday in Heaven than he could ever have here. I know that amazing things have come out of this tragedy and many peoples lives have been touched. For that I am so thankful. But I can't help it. I still want him. I want to know who he would be. I want to know if he would look like Grant. I want to know if he would act like his daddy or have brown curly hair like me. When I feel this way, I can only take comfort in knowing that God knows him completely. God knew him before he was born. He made him and He knows exactly what Eli is like.
I say this to remind anyone that might be reading and has lost someone, or going through something difficult; it is ok and normal to feel like you don't understand. To feel like you are hurt and angry. I want you to know that you can find comfort in God's promises. You just have to be looking for them. God has given me the promise of being with my son forever in Heaven. So for now, that has to be enough. And for now I am ok with just being a mom without her baby. For today on his birthday and every day and birthday to come, I will remember him. I will celebrate him. I will teach his brother and future siblings about the Lord so that one day we will all be together forever in Heaven. I will work diligently to finish my work here and serve the Lord until that day. Praise be to Him for the strength to survive the day and all the blessings He has given me.
Happy Birthday Eli. We miss you and love you very much. I hope you are having the most amazing birthday cake in Heaven.